Into the Abyss

Have you ever had that feeling where you could be surrounded by so many people yet you feel so lonely?

Friendships are definitely something beautiful in life and we should understand the importance of each and every one of them. However, something I failed to realise at a young age is to consider which friendships are worth fighting for and which should be let go – some people just don’t deserve your kindness.

Let me tell you something, right now – I can probably count the total amount of friends I have and truly care about, all on one hand.

Back when I was in high school, I had quite a few friends but not all of them helped me positively grow into a better version of myself. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

But me being the naive little girl I was, I chose to still keep them by my side because you know, I’ve known some of these people for so long and thought hey, that must mean we’re close and quantity over quality right? The more friends you had, the more “popular” you are and the more “better” you feel about yourself, right?

To keep this post short, I will retell a story about just one of these friends.

I had this one really close friend and have known her since 14 years old. She was in most of my classes, and she also lived closed by so it was convenient to visit each other. We would tell each other our deepest secrets and from an outsider’s point of view, we looked like BEST friends. And I thought so too. In fact, she was an only child and we considered each other as sisters, I’d be the younger one as she was older than me by a year.

The thing I liked most about this friend was that we shared the same morals about almost everything. But one thing bugged me, she would always put me down and embarrass me in front of our other friends. Oh, and if I flipped the situation and embarrassed her back, she’d physically hit me across the head in front of everyone – what a friend you are.

At first, I would brush it off or laugh sarcastically to forget about what she said, but it got to a point where I couldn’t handle it anymore. I believe there’s such a fine line between joking about someone and bullying them.

It got to a point where I’d feel anxious every time I was around her as I didn’t know what could potentially come out of her mouth. Her words were like poison.

“You’re so dumb” –  “You’re fat” – “Do you wanna die?” – “What you’re wearing is so ugly, take it off now so I can burn it” – “You don’t deserve that!” – “Let’s push her off the train platform so she could get run over” – Sometimes I think back and feel annoyed at myself for sticking by her, mentally keeping her sane while she drives me insane.

I remember her telling me that it’s just the person she is and “she can’t help it or change herself”. It’s funny because I was the only person she would bully in our group of friends yet I was the closest friend she had. Perhaps I was too nice to her and seemed the most vulnerable.

It took me 7 years to realise I didn’t deserve to be treated the way she treated me and decided to block all forms of communication with her. Seriously the best decision I’ve ever made for myself!

I deserved a lighter soul, a clearer mind and a moment of freedom. It’s really not worth holding onto someone who constantly judges you and breaks you apart and although I know losing friendships can be quite scary, sometimes – things just aren’t meant to be.

Friendships should be about building each other up and supporting each other in times of need, all with no strings attached.

Good people are very hard to find nowadays and I feel as you get older, it gets harder to find and build lasting friendships. So when you’ve found a true friend, PLEASE do treasure your friendship with them and always remind them that you appreciate them.

Remember, quality > quantity. 




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